I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
