im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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