My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize