Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
