I'm so fucking centered right now
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
