Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
