Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
