nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
