I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize