My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize