So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
