Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
