Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
