i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize