Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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