dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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