you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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