Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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