he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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