There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
