Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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