First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
