I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
