We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
