She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
