I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Randomize
