I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
