not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Green mimosas i think yes
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize