Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
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