First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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