It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
