I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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