I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
This house was built for laser tag.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
