he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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