I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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