This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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