My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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