well I can't set my house on fire every night
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
