There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
