So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
