i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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