I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
