please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
