Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize