i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
im six kinds of drunk right now
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
