Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
