Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I think my moral compass just broke
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
