come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
