There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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