had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
