it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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