that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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