watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think I am morally bankrupt
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I am midnight drunk by noon
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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