Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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