I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
